You would know it when they say the rain can make you feel "emo"? That holds so much truth in it.
I found myself listening to a really insightful song by Up Dharma Down called "Tadhana." It's a very soothing song especially during those rainy days. And the lyrics — they hit too close to home. Tadhana. Fate. Will we ever know?
I remember one quote from a movie I really liked, "The Kite Runner," in which the father of Amir, the main character said, "It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime." And it's true. It CAN change exactly how you see life. And what makes us experience those moments in our lives? Fate. Fate allows us to go through that part of our lives and changes us into what we are today. But I can't help but ask: Do we really have to leave everything up to fate or do we have to decide and deal with life the way we want to?
Today, I caught myself trying to make a sense out of my being single for quite some time now. I was talking to one of my co-workers and I was doing my best to explain to him why I am still single. I told him that I'm having a hard time falling for someone these days, or even like someone for more than a month.
A friend of mine tried his best to let his thoughts out about it. Of course some of them were right but we ended up just looking at each other and then we burst into laughter. I finally figured it out that no one knows why. I used to be gullible, aggressive, trusting. I easily fall in love or at least show reciprocation. Things have changed though. I no longer see myself as that person. I was telling this friend I can't even remember how it felt like to be in a relationship; how it's like to have someone special in your life, how couples survive a night without dead air, what they do to keep themselves entertained; how a kiss felt, how a simple hug of affection can make things different, how they keep things going, how they make it work.
I sat down. Stood up. Walked around. Sat again. I practically went everywhere. Is it fate telling me I'm not yet ready? Is fate telling me I've learned from my previous relationships and I've had enough of the "crap"? Have I become selective, or was I just traumatized with my past heartaches? I am not exactly sure myself. All I know is that I deserve better and I'm just contented with what I have right now. I'm too happy and I don't need a man.
Answers to this can be very elusive and at the same time confusing. You can never have a solid thought about this because in a minute, you can change your mind and your heart. I really wish I know the answers because fate can be very tricky. Sometimes it's good but unfortunately, not at all times. Fate can be cruel and mean. Fate can make you feel like a total waste of space. But when fate is nice to you and you're lucky enough, it makes you feel like you're always home. Like you have found that missing piece; that one jigsaw puzzle piece you have been searching all along. Sometimes, it can be in a form of a person you fell in love with. But it can also be the simplicity of knowing that it's all about waiting. And appreciating what you have and not minding about what you don't have.
After a couple of minutes, I sat down beside another good friend of mine and we discussed the same thing. I heard the same response! She told me it's probably because I still haven't found someone who just doesn't make me feel "kilig" inside but someone who has a unique connection with me. A connection no person can make. And as cliché as it goes: a spark. Only fate gives us that. And I agree.
Also, I've always had that notion that I'd marry early, have kids and a happy family, having my career on the side and my family coming first. That's before I learned the true essence of love and relationship: that love isn't always the good stuff, it's about compromise and acceptance, and being ready for pain and sacrifice, which is never easy.
I also learned that TRUE LOVE means not going to a battle alone. I believe fate is what brings true love to two people. When fate decides it's time, whoever you are, whatever you are, that's it. And that your FAITH in FATE is something that always gives you that spark of hope of finding exactly what you are looking for.